The tides have turned and I have new interests. I believe I am finally over Janelle. Spring has come and my life has opened itself up like the flowers outside.
There is a freshman who I’d only talked to a few times, but she always had my attention. Her name is Marie. She is shorter than I am and very petite with a natural tan complexion and pixie cut dark hair. Her face is sweet and innocent, but her eyes have a dark passion to them. They always catch me off guard.
I knew she like girls and so I wasn’t surprised to see her at the GSA picnic I planned at the park. In fact half of the reason I wanted to be there was because of her. The look was so intriguing I had to know if she was interesting.
And she was.
The next night some new friends from the school north of us invited me to a party and told me to invite other GSA kids. My first text was Marie, then Cat and Ellen.
Much to my delight she could attend. So I drove out and fetched the three of them. Ellen was shotgun and Cat and Marie were in back. Marie remained rather quiet and Ellen just cranked up the music so the two of us in front were screaming along.
We realized we were far too early and sat by the river for awhile where I started chatting up Marie. She was polite and sweet and excited for her first party.
She admitted she didn’t get out much which was hard to believe because she’s adorable.
As we drove back Ellen found out Marie could sing and asked her to sing for us. I asked her to sing the song she did in the middle school talent show last year because my sister had mentioned she sang in the talent show. She sang Landslide and it was beautiful. She has the sweetest alto voice. I could feel my stomach tightening and my throat knotting and I bit my lip hard.
At the party it began rather quiet but then Alyson, the host, broke out a hookah. I’d never tried it but I was willing and sat down. It was watermelon. It felt nice to feel smoke again and the flavor was delicious. I tried to pass it to Marie, but she declined, not sure if she wanted to yet. So Ellen and I decided to shotgun a hit. Then a little later I did one with Cat. I waggled my eyebrows at Marie and said, “You’re next.” She laughed a little.
I found out about her fandoms which are basically all of them. And she told me about her friends a little. Finally, while everyone wasn’t looking she decided to take a hit, which I did not pressure her into. Alyson tried to teach me to make rings but I gave up and just exhaled with “Whooo are youuuu?” and Marie died laughing.
Someone brought in alcohol and then people really got going. Ellen got Marie to sip a little. “My parents would murder me if they found out.”
I smiled and said “You know what would make them more pissed?” I held up the hookah and raised my eyebrows. She said okay.
I took a huge hit and leaned in, closing my eyes to feel her lips against mine. They were so soft and sweet, mixed with the spearmint gum she was chewing. I exhaled into her mouth and she broke away, letting it out of her mouth. I was shaking a little on the inside and brimming with excitement. She laughed a little. “We’re best friends now,” I said to her. “You’re invited to everything.”
So then my friend Amy decided to go get Taco Bell. Marie and I went with her and so did some Asian kid who’s name was Ryan. He was hilarious and made a lot of jokes about being asian.
Marie and I talked about how she had a lot of death in her family and how she was a little suicidal during sixth grade, but she’s better. She also said she used to lose hair a lot when she was stressed. She told me she has a history of getting dumped at homecoming every year and she used to date her friend who was really crazy and always liked to talk about death, which was too close a subject for her. She also mentioned how she has a crush on someone in the band. I was alittle discouraged but then I decided to forget about it because crushes come and go. She then told us she has the scariest scream ever and Amy pressed her into doing it.
It was horrible. It made my skin crawl and I never want to here her make the scream for real. I was shaking as we exited the car.
When I entered we found out Ellen was really fucking drunk. We tried to start truth or dare but gave up and continued doing smoke tricks. I was sitting on Amy’s lap because she stole my seat and Marie sat next to me. Amy was saying something about being hella gay, but I can’t remember what. So with the hookah thing in hand I said “Hey you know what else is gay?” I took a hit and leaned in to shotgun with Marie again who took it. I put my hand gently under her chin. One girl, Rachel from across the table says “Oh my god you guys would be so cute.” I laugh a little, nervously. Amy fist pounds me out of Marie’s view and them tells me I have to make my move later. I say that I will and decide I will drop off Ellen first, then Cat, and lastly Marie.
The drunken foreign exchange student comes up to Cat and I and asks if she can ask us a question. “Would one of you like to eat my taco?”
And so Cat and I, rolling around laughing, have to explain taco is a euphemism for vagina. She goes “OH GOD NO THE TACO IS RIGHT HERE.” And holds it out. Cat proceeds to eat the taco which made it even funnier.
And then all of the sudden the super drunk foreign exchange student is asking us to play spin the bottle. She pulls out an empty 2 liter of Sprite and we all get into a circle. I’m like freaking out because I’ve never played it before and I really don’t want to see Marie kiss a bunch of other people.
But she does and so do I but I maintain complete calm and I laugh about it. It’s really funny with the mix of sexualities in the room. There are only 2 guys in the circle and one of them is gay. I kissed everyone but the gay guy and of course it never lands on Marie.
But now we have to go home and I am ready to make my move because Amy has given me a line. “So I didn’t get to kiss you during spin the bottle. So what about now?”
But just my luck. Ellen is too drunk to function and demands to be taken home last so she can try to sober up, which was not happening. And she’s being really obnoxious, trying to compare everyone to a Disney princess. Cat gets Ariel, Marie gets Belle and I’m apparently Sleeping Beauty because I’m “timid.” Which I disagree with. Cat chimes in with “OH YEAH? PROVE IT.” And I scowl, but its too dark to see.
So Cat has told her parents the reason she’s a little late is because they had to drop of Ellen first so we have to tell her to duck her drunk ass down so she can’t be seen. She insists on calling it “operation cobra” which she proceeds to scream about for the next ten minutes until we drop of Marie as well. She’s cockblocking me hard so I’m a little pissed, but I forgive her. I blow Marie a kiss as she leaves, the most I could do with Ellen shouting “OPERATION COBRA” at the top of her lungs.
Ellen keeps asking if I’m mad at her as I drive her home. She then says that Cat and I should happen, rather than Marie and I. I know that Cat has a thing for me but I refuse to acknowledge it because we’re good friends and I have no desire to date her. I graze over the topic. She then starts talking about how she started cutting again and how much her family hates her so I have to keep telling her that I care over and over. But she’s also too drunk to really remember what I’m saying. She gets in the house fine. I didn’t sleep all that night and today I couldn’t focus because I kept thinking about how Marie’s lips felt on mine. I hope I didn’t push her away at all. I don’t see why I would’ve. I just hope she likes me. I hope she likes me.
I thought I’d stopped writing letters to you, but I’m back for a post about recent events and relationships as always.
As Janelle is going to be leaving soon I decided that we needed to have a day together and because of the way her lifestyle has swayed the activities ended up consisting of smoking copious amounts of marijuana. She invited a group to her quaint apartment on a Friday in March and the events that ensued were interesting to say the least.
After picking up a shitload of junk food with Cat I drove up to Janelle’s while Cat ran home to play Cinderella for her overbearing parents. Janelle and Celina were already there, waiting for me. Celina is gorgeous with the Skrillex style half shaved head, and a silver piercing in her lip. She wears little black skirts and knee high socks with black leather pointed shoes and a carefully powdered face. She is nearly always smiling and she brightens up my day, despite the doom and gloom fashion. It’s quirky and she rocks it. So after shifting my car around a few times due to a bit of paranoia we decide to smoke what she has left before the stuff for everyone else arrives.
Now as you’ve read I have done this before, and only really reaped the benefits once. Janelle is calling me basically a first timer and Celina has never touched the stuff, though she smokes a lot of cigarettes. So I take the first hit, Janelle carefully lighting the strange twisted colorful bowl.
I’ve never used one before so I don’t realize that I’ve taken in way too much until I’m exhaling in sputtering coughs and feeling the fire seeping its way across my throat. Janelle runs for water, telling me she knew that was going to happen when she saw me hitting it too hard but she didn’t say anything. I suppose its symbolic of our relationship in a way.
So after cursing her name a hundred times as they finish off the rest things get a little fuzzy.
The next thing I remember is Celina saying, “I’m feeling it now Mr. Krabs.” Suddenly things are changing. I’m drifting through different levels of clarity and focus, and it almost seems like as I speak the second half of the sentence is completely detached from the first and its hard to communicate coherent thoughts. I realize I’m shaking and I feel my stomach knotting hard. There’s fear building up under my skin, which was cold. I tell Janelle I’m not sure how I feel and so she hands me a computer and shows me a kaleidoscope type deal online but I can’t focus on that either. I feel sick and I just want everything to come back to normal again.
She tells me to walk with her to her room and so I obey and sit down on her bed, trying to tell her what I’m feeling. The best I can come up with is that feeling when you wake up in the middle of an intense nightmare. Like that reoccurring every three seconds. It’s terrifying and disorienting. She puts her arms around me, and some music is playing. I think I recall “Asleep” by the Smiths. Her hugs did calm me down a little but I’m still shaking like crazy and I just want the world to go back to normal again.
The next moment I can piece together is when K arrives with more weed, which I guess is medical. I didn’t try any because I just wanted to go back to normal for awhile. K reminds me of a bullfrog or bulldog or maybe the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland, most likely because she’s larger with a flat face and eyes that come out of the Pacific islands or some area about there. She looks so in character with the bowl in her chubby hands.
I can’t remember how everyone showed up, they came and went. I recall Ellen, after smoking, asking if she could take a bubble bath and then falling asleep on Janelle’s bed. And then I remember calling my mother and having Cat and Ellen in awe over my acting skills. I smooth talked her well. I remember Cats boyfriend walking in with the biggest bag of weed I’ve ever seen. I remember eating a shitload of Oreos. I remember one of the guys telling us he “was inside of the number 4” which no one really understood but we thought it was hilarious.
One of my favorite moments was when we were all passing around a joint, and one girl is casually talking to her grandmother on the phone while taking a hit. I complained about how Ellen was asleep and how she had said she’d shotgun with me because I’d never done it before. Then Celina comes over and shotguns the goddamn thing with me. Her cold lips pressing on mine, and a soft hand on my cheek. I was a little dumbfounded after that.
There is something just so beautiful about the way that smoke leaves ones lips. It was agonizing to watch Janelle take hits because it never failed in turning me on. It was probably for the best she went elsewhere while I fell asleep cuddling Cat on the air mattress by the window where I nearly froze. I dreamt of puppies all night which was rather nice.
My whole family had a school event for my sister they had to attend and so the house was left to Cat and I when we arrived home in the morning. We aired out our clothing, threw some of it in the wash, and got Chinese food. Then with our food we watched Doctor Who. Honestly the weekend was flawless.
Such lovely friends I have.
I feel as though a thousand doors have been closed in my face and I can only shout out a window.
It’s been really hard lately, though it’s impossible for me to pinpoint why. It’s like the ache in my tooth I’ve been experiencing. I know I need it fixed but I can’t communicate why or where the pain is happening.
My birthday was yesterday and I had a party with only nine people including myself. It was a lot of fun while it happened, really. I was laughing really hard and everyone was nice. But later as I thought about it half of the attendees weren’t even people I consider close, and the four that were feel strange to me sometimes.
Meg is a cynical bitch and I won’t tell her my problems for fear of being called soft or being made a joke out of.
Cat is great, but she is having a life way better than mine at the moment. She got the lead in the musical over me even though I put in a year more than her. She has higher grades than I do, just a few points every time. She has a boyfriend. Everyone seems to think she’s amazing. And I’m just jealous. I’m in the shadow now and I am not good at handling competitiveness. She is competitive as hell. I also don’t want to shove my problems on her because I feel like I talk about myself too much around her already.
Ellen is also amazing but she has so many other friends that I always feel like I come in second at best. And those friends are in a social group completely separated from my own. Not to mention the way she flakes out on me so often.
And a ton of people didn’t show up at all.
Do you know how painful it is to hear your sister talking to her friend in the morning saying, “Yeah there was hardly anyone at my sisters party last night, so I got some sleep.”
Aside from that even after confessing everything to Janelle she still pokes fun at things we’ve done together. I still miss her like hell and I hate watching her with Shane all of the time and hearing her talk about the sex she’s having.
I am still not up to my standards with my ACT scores which enrages me, and writing for it makes me feel sick to my stomach. We did a practice and I barely wrote half a paper. I’m a good essay writer in English class, but I just don’t care about school policies. I don’t know how to write with an “attitude” while trying to be persuasive on a very important test. It’s too important for me to make jokes. I can’t make light of it.
Not to mention being gay and confused still. I just can’t come to terms with being who I am and I’m half hiding my attraction. I can’t mention it around my mom, I haven’t tested that since summer. She’s still pissy about how Meg and I went together to my junior prom and she wore a tux. And no way in hell am I taking a guy from my grade next year. I’m lost and alone right now. I don’t want my problems to take up everyone’s time because I’d rather not look like a selfish whiny bitch. I mean I am white and pretty darn privileged. It’s hard to complain to people around me who are poorer or have been suicidal.
And that’s one thing I will never be. Regardless of how bad it gets I am too afraid to death to even contemplate suicide. I often connect being depressed with thoughts of suicide and self harm. I will never be that sad. I will never express my sadness in such a manner.
Everything is getting to me and I’m not sure what to do.
I need to get out soon.
I need to get out soon.
I’m going to send a separate letter about Christmas, this one is about the end of the world. That’s 12/21/12 for anyone who stumbles upon this some time way in the future.
Guess who this one’s mainly about?
I arrived alone. There was snow across all of the roads and it was making me a little nervous, combined with anticipation for this get together. Considering how the last one went, I could only imagine how it would be now. I kept my hopes up that everything would be perfect.
I walked in to a foreign territory. The kitchen of the house was finally done with hardwood floors and fancy suspended lights and elegant counters. I couldn’t help but stare with my mouth agape. The entirety of the party was currently sitting about the kitchen table with bags of chips and styrofoam cups. Melanie and Shane’s parents were also hanging about the room and greeted me. I told them how much I admired the kitchen and they seemed pleased. I think they still like me even after I separated from their children.
I ended up gravitating toward Janelle and Nancy and we stood by a wall for awhile, which I was leaned against, casually chewing my gum and out of habit blowing bubbles, which Janelle told me was attractive giving an exasperated “goddammit” every time she saw. Nancy was her awkward self and we had a little fun with that once the dancing began.
In fact during the dancing Janelle was with me. She got so close, she smiled at me endlessly. We laughed and made jokes, but the tension was explosive when my hips were rolling about hers. There was even one point I was leaning on the wall and she straddled my legs, which were crossed. I popped one of them to the other side of hers but she drew back, a clear line.
She said I was too good at that. She was eating it up.
Shane would occasionally drop in for a second or two and take her attention, but never for anything scandalous or extended. And even when Jess was around I was still the go to. I didn’t expect this. Jess has this way of commanding her attention.
My stomach was doing flips and I decided to take some action finally. I had in fact been mulling this over all day. Come on it’s the end of the world, I would joke to myself. You can do it. She could never be cruel. I had talked to Aaron about it as well who encouraged me to speak with her.
I flashed her my phone with a message that read, “Can we go outside for a bit?”
She nodded but we ended up in the room with the drinks. We sat at the table for a long time and she wasn’t picking up on the fact I needed to talk to her so finally I typed it into my phone. “Can we talk?”
I let my thumb graze the button for quite some time before I finally got to pressing it. And even then I wanted to smack the cancel button until the damn machine broke, but I restrained.
She looked like she was about to get up and leave when I shouted “Check your phone.”
She looked at me and we sat for a second or two while she looked at the phone. “Check yours.”
The text simply read YEA. I’m not sure why caps, perhaps because she’s just a goofball and was afraid of seriousness.
She took up my hand and we found our way to the stair well. I knew there would be very light trickling traffic to the bathroom but no more than that. We were side by side on the same stair. I kept sitting straight forward. She was angled toward me.
I breathed and kept my eyes off her. “I guess I never really got over you,” I said in a dragged out nervous sort of way. I looked up cautiously and she gazed back with kind eyes and understanding.
“I was never sure, but I guessed,” she said.
I assured her that I didn’t expect anything out of this but she needed to know. I should’ve mentioned how much I was hurting because of all of this, but I didn’t want to hurt her. It was around then that Hannah showed up and hugged us both and said hello, she had just arrived. She lingered before stating that she needed to go to the bathroom and that she would return. She asked if we would be there when she came back so we could go dance and we said yes. I didn’t know this would be a lie, but Janelle stood and took me off to Melanie’s room where we sat on the bed.
“This is more important than a few songs,” she said.
She went on to explain herself. She said she was very much attracted to me. She told me, as she always does, how amazing and beautiful and wonderful I am. Then she, as always, yanked away the hope. She told me she was awful with women. When it comes to commitment she backs out. She called herself the “Dorian Grey” of women. This reference was lost because the novel sits unread on the shelf beside me, and I just received it for Christmas. I could guess what she meant. She then explained she did have a thing with Shane and that she truly valued me as a friend. She said she loved me. She hugged me and then she ran down the stairs because she noticed from the window an old friend, graduated a few years ago, had arrived.
After greeting her she came back to me and grabbed my forearms. “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” I lied, with the fakest of smiles. She embraced me again and I held her tightly before she ran down the stairs to the party. I wasn’t ready for dancing. I sat on the couch and watched 2012 the movie with a few kids.
I didn’t feel anything. I couldn’t feel bad at this point. I was numb. The initial pain was gone. In this numbness I went back to enjoying the party. I danced the night away with Hannah and eventually Ellen.
But the days afterward proved melancholy. It was the realization that she wasn’t committed to women. It was strange to realize that it wasn’t me, it was that I was a girl. And that didn’t make any sense to me. I was so completely invested in her. I wanted to make her so fucking happy. I would put her on a pedestal and bring her roses every day if that would make her happy and love me. But she wasn’t interested in being with a woman. This girl, the biggest activist of gay rights in our school, completely open about women, with a huge vintage pin up girl on her wall, would not love a woman in any other way than friends with benefits. It wasn’t even me. She was attracted to me and she considers me a good friend. Isn’t this what a relationship is? What part of this makes any sense?
My heart is in half for now.
But soon I promise I’ll be on my way.
Yeah I know it’s been a long time, school is just overwhelming. I won’t bother summing up my life because it hasn’t been interesting enough.
But today something really bothered me.
If I haven’t told you Meg and I are going to prom together. She’s getting a tux. I have no intention of actually getting with her. She has a boyfriend, and I am no where near interested.
Well my mom wants me to go the more traditional route and pick a guy. I don’t want to because I’d have more fun with my girlfriends and I don’t know any guys I’d want to take.
So today in math we were having a work day which basically means just talk all hour. Meg decides to recount a conversation she had with her mom.
“I told mom how your mom doesn’t like you going with me,” she began. “She was like ‘what the hell?’ and I was like ‘you know _______’s a lesbian right?’ and she was like ‘well it’s not like you’re trying to fuck her.’”
The classroom was pretty quiet and Meg is loud for the tiny thing she is. “MEG.” I bury my face in my hands, hoping no one heard. “You can’t just say that. I’m not.”
Truth is I might be. But that is not for her to assert, let alone to share loud enough for the whole room to have caught. I don’t know if they heard but I was so mortified. What if everyone knew by third hour? There’s enough big mouths in that class.
“Bullshit,” she replies. “I mean, it’s not big deal you like chicks.”
“Meg. Shut up.”
Briana pipes in from across the table, a girl I haven’t known for all that long. “Don’t worry no one’s judging you. Everyone has to make that decision.” She’s nice, but she doesn’t quite understand the enormity of what Meg has done.
I don’t like this feeling, being scared of who I might be. Not one bit.
I’m starting to think I’m the worst kind of person.
I was arguing with my parents and sister today over whether or not there is over an okay time to use the word “retarded.” Valid points were made in favor of using the word, but I just know that there is something wrong with calling someone not at all disabled, “retarded.” It means that being mentally disabled is bad. It’s offensive to people with legitimate needs. I know that it’s wrong.
But my dad was waving his arms, raising his voice at me for the first time ever. He tells me that I’m an arrogant ass to judge what someone means when they use the word. What if they actually did mean this or that or all of this?
I was so emotional I couldn’t argue. I was just trying not to swear or cry. My whole family was against me. I just know that I am right about it, but they’re so convincing. I’m an awful arguer you see and when something doesn’t go my way I just get huffy because I can’t argue. I shut down. I sound like I have no idea why it is I think what I do, but goddammit it is there I can’t articulate it through emotion. I end up making awful awful points that just end up being used to the other sides advantage. Then I think that I’m wrong. And I’m so easily swayed by someone else’s points. I have such a hard time distinguishing who is right and who is wrong.
The conversation ended up dropping, but the heat still hung in the air so I left.
My mom came in a little while later and asked if I was angry with my family.
I said no.
She told me how I needed an attitude adjustment. How I can’t just jump down someone’s throat for saying “retarded” and I need to pick my battles. If I see someone making fun of a disabled kid then I can jump down their throats. She pointed out how I get angry and shut down when a conversation doesn’t go my way. She pointed out all my flaws. She pointed out that I wasn’t as high and mighty as I thought.
But I know that. I know I’m stubborn. I know I get angry when I can’t say what I want to say. I know that I can be mean and self interested. I know what an awful person I really am someone deep down in there. But I just can’t admit it. I can’t tell her she’s right and I don’t know why.
And even though I know that I’m a self interested arrogant bitch, nearly everyone I meet tells me that I’m the nicest sweetest person they know. So many people say I’m a sweetheart. I’m too nice. I mean it is actually hard for me to insult people.
I have no idea where I stand on things. I don’t know anything but I know a lot. It’s all contradictions with me.
I’m just a girl trying to find the fucking balance between being a good person or sounding like an ass. I’m trying to find the balance between my morals and having an open mind. I’m trying so hard to be a good person but it’s just hard.
I’m afraid my life isn’t precisely interesting at the moment. It consists of sitting at home and reading Frankenstein or watching Breaking Bad or making jewelry. The jewelry thing is going rather well. I am going to do my first craft show this weekend.
I haven’t done anything that would get the adrenaline racing. Most things have just made my pulse decrease to a lethargic tempo. I’m dragging along, dreaming of a beautiful but uncertain future. I just want to see the day that either Janelle wants me again or someone else wants me. I want to see the day I don’t have to see Jason anymore so that my stomach doesn’t recoil in disgust at the thought of him touching me. That day when I don’t have to deal with these people who have been around me for so damn long that I’m just unresponsive. It’s college I’m dreaming of. It’s that day when I have my own place and I have my own circle. Where I have someone to love.
And LOVE is one of my main problems. It’s eating me alive. I’m scared shitless of any path I take. I’m scared of choosing a man and ending up with feelings of subordination, and of my mom saying I told you so and being so happy I didn’t end with a woman who I might just be missing out on and then having a cookie cutter life and having kids that I don’t want to deal with half of the time. And if I choose a woman I’m scared of discrimination, or finding out that it was just a phase and wondering if I missed out on being with a man and having my mom hate me and feeling awkward telling people that I have a wife instead of a girlfriend and I know I’m repeating but DISCRIMINATION.
How the hell can I deal with people who have never heard me speak a word hating me? Even wanting me hurt and dead just because of my sexual preference?
So many people have told me that these identities don’t matter and to forget about it. They say you’ll figure it out eventually. They tell me not to let society decide who you love. They say if it’s a phase, it’s a phase, whatever.
But it’s so goddamn hard to ignore when you’re brain is this scrambled about it. I think about it all the time and it makes me feel sick and scared and alone.
I’m just exhausted today.
I hate how must of these letters are centered around Janelle but I can’t help it. It’s all that seems worth writing about some days.
She’s home now. She has gotten out of the mental hospital. I couldn’t wait to see her. We were messaging Saturday night after I had stolen a bit of Bailey’s from the party my mom was throwing. I don’t think it was enough to really do anything, but the rebellious nature felt rather nice. It had been a long time.
She seemed like she loved me again. She told me a hundred times how much she loved me. She started asking about what smells are aphrodisiacs to me and what songs turn me on. I love that about her. She’s thinking about sex and instead of saying dirty things she asks about those. Half love have lust.
I ended up accidentally sounding like I was still pissed about summer and she told me I should’ve slapped her but I told her I love her too much. Every time we graze the surface of addressing how much hurt I have in me from the summer I end up making it sound like I don’t even though I want nothing more than to tell her how awful I feel.
She complimented me endlessly. She also told me I remind her of the main character from Catcher in the Rye which confused me. I’m not sure what part of him is me.
Then she brought up how she needed to break up with her boyfriend. How she wanted a focus, someone to go after, someone to be there. There it was. That glimmer of hope shining, dangling before me.
But then she said she wanted Shane but he was so happy with Sandra. She said how she couldn’t have relationships with girls because they fizzle after a week, which stung a little. Then she said what she did to me was worse. She said she hurt people with her own selfishness because it won’t effect her, but they do through guilt. She said she really does love me but she couldn’t control herself because she was an ass. She said I was always there for her. She said she doesn’t matter to herself, I matter to her.
And what does all this imply to me? Take a fucking guess.
And so I go to her house the next day, telling mom I’m at Ellen’s. She had invited over Ross, a kid from my grade. He is a kid to me though. He’s short, awkward. He can be funny but his voice is so flat other than when it cracks which is often. I’m not pleased by his presence but I don’t care. I love to be with her.
In reality that statement should be “I love to be with her when there is no competition. “
I hugged her so hard when I first saw her I almost cried. We sat happily for awhile before Ross showed up.
For awhile it seemed like I was winning the battle for physical attention from Janelle. We were cuddling on the couch, having tickle battles, hugging each other. I just couldn’t help myself. I shouldn’t be doing this, she has a boyfriend, but I just can’t help it when I’m with her.
Then things took a turn for the worst and he was the center of her attention. This bothers me on so many levels. For one he’s a guy, which she obviously seems to like more than girls. Two he’s just a boy. He’s barely kissed a girl before. His last girlfriend used to hang out with me and we never heard her say more than four words at a time. I CAN’T TAKE IT.
Then she declared nap time and I said I don’t sleep well during the day and she said “Oh I bet I could get you to” so she whisks me to her memory foam bed and lets me clamp on. But then she invites Ross in and it gets to weird for me so I have to leave. I sit down at her keyboard, nothing else to do.
My heart is snapping because I don’t know if they’re kissing. I don’t know if they’re a thing. I just can’t look.
And my hands start playing Miserable at Best by Mayday Parade. My voice is hardly coming out, almost a sob. I practically slam the last chord and my hands slip and slam other horrible lower keys.
Janelle shouts something along the lines of “I love you” and I ignore it.
Then her mom comes home and Ross bursts out of the room. His hair is messed up. Janelle follows. Her face is bright red.
I can feel my stomach retaliating. Water is pushing under my eyes but I fight hard enough to shut them up.
I leave just a little after Ross.
But Ross came back.
I message her later and she replies with “I broke up with him.”
I freak out and send things along the lines of “ARE YOU OKAY?” until she answers. I worry that her depression will get the better of her sometimes.
She says yes and that she feels better. I say that it’s good. The glimmer of hope has returned. She’s single. She kept saying how much she loved me last night.
She said yeah breaking up with him and also.. unexpectedly falling for someone.
My heart falls through the mattress.
I couldn’t help it. I was bawling. I had no idea WHY he could have her and not me. I didn’t understand. There was no way this made any sense.
Are you there? she asked.
Yeah, I type with shaking hands and wet palms. I lie, I’m on tumblr and it slows my computer down.
She goes on to tell me what a good kisser he is. I’m done. I leave. I say goodnight. I don’t say I love you like usual. I just say goodnight.
I cried for a good twenty minutes, an old stuffed animal clutched in my arms.
The next day I realize that when I’m really having a bad day I clutch my books just like that stuffed animal.
Fuck. All of this.
Tuesday was Mr. Dove’s birthday, my choir director. We forgot so we pretended we didn’t know and decided to pitch in to get him cupcakes and a card for our next after school practice, Thursday. Well he wasn’t here today. Ellen brought the cupcakes and decided, due to his absence she would just pass out the cupcakes to the class. First off I gave her a good chunk of the money due to many people who didn’t pitch in and I never got one, nor was it used for the purpose I had thought. Second, THEY COULDN’T WAIT ONE DAY?
There was a chance he would be there after school, because sometimes he does that.
Five people were there. Me, Cat, Katie, Emily, and Jasmine. All of us are dedicated and really care. In fact this choir has become the highlight of my week. I love it so much.
It just disappoints me that no one else cares.
So the five of us practiced anyway and played some games with our voices. We tried “Chord Jenga” where each person sings a note in a chord and you go around the circle changing one note until someone can’t make a chord. It’s hilarious and awkward but fun to hear. We ran through old music. We learned some cadences, we ran through new sections of music.
I love it when people just want to sing and make beautiful harmony. There’s something almost mystical in the power of a chord.
Janelle has still not returned.
But life goes on.
Homework is done, choirs sing, I sleep.
Nothing new has happened
But something new has made itself apparent.
It used to be that I enjoyed walking at night alone. I liked the streets when they were dark. They made me feel welcome and gave me a little bit of excitement.
But now just walking from my house to the door in the dark scares me. I get nervous when cars go by. I don’t like people walking down the street.
I’m not sure what has made me suddenly so afraid of night. But I am so afraid.
I feel like everything just gets more and more confusing with age.